Introduction
With all of modernity’s supposed “advancements”, many have noticed a regression of certain skills in the generation of current young adults who grew up in the 2000s. One of those skills is social competence; the ability to simply interact in an appropriate manner with others is now an in-demand “skill” from those in Gen Z. The evidence for this is all around us. Internet jokes depict the fear young adults have to even pick up the phone and talk to someone live. A quarter of company executives in a recent survey said they won’t even consider hiring new graduates because they lack soft skills and the vast majority say those lack of soft skills are Gen Z’s biggest problem.1 The current generation of young adults is the least equipped socially in a long time.
Now it would be useless to simply complain about this or poke at low-hanging cultural fruit. But the above evidence does serve as a bridge to point out that this social problem in young adults is not one that, as Christians, we can be indifferent toward or simply view as an interesting factoid. Rather, this problem is one that we should be very careful to keep out of the church, to ensure that the world does not drag us down with it, because God cares about his people being able to have social interactions that please him.
Our social skills matter before God; he is either honored by how we interact with others or dishonored. As such, living in a culture of decreasing social competence, we would do well to understand what God requires of us when we talk with others. What is our social duty? And in answering that question, we are not after minimal societally acceptable social skills, as if the goal is to do just enough to be competent. No, we are after holiness in all parts of life—in other words, we are to desire to be people who consistently display excellent, God-glorifying social skills.
Social Interactions As Part of Our Sanctification
Before understanding the basics of what holy social interactions look like, the Christian must understand that, just like all parts of life, those interactions are part of our sanctification. Said differently, God’s word has commands and duties for Christians as they go about being with other people. For if one does not recognize that they have a duty before God—sin to kill and virtue to pursue—in their relationships with others, they will not care to run at holiness.
Therefore, consider the plethora of commands that God gives us regarding how we are to think of time talking with others. All our speech—all of it—is to be, “gracious, seasoned with salt” (Col 4:6). God cares about every word that comes out of our mouth. We are to “make the best use of the time” (Eph 5:16)—including our time with other people. We are commanded to “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thess 5:11), which requires intentionality and thoughtfulness, while also ensuring that we “count others more significant than [ourselves]” (Phil 2:3), which means that every single time we talk with someone, especially a fellow church member, we are to care about their needs more than our own.
Very quickly, the bar before the Lord becomes very high. His expectations for what holiness looks like socially are expansive and require a heart that loves to obey God and love his people. Social interactions, therefore, are not neutral or unimportant; they are a crucial aspect of our sanctification.
Lend Your Ears, Not Your Mouth
Getting practical, our fleshly instinct is to start with our mouth: if social sanctification is so important, how should I speak? While that is a good question, and one we will get to, it should not be the first question. The first question is, how should I listen? Our ears, not our mouths, must be engaged first, and we should heed James’ command to “be quick to hear [and] slow to speak” (Jas 1:19).
If you want to be a wise Christian socially, listening comes first. The book of Proverbs consistently contrasts the fool with the wise, prudent man, including in regards to the topic of listening and speaking. The fool is socially inept; he doesn’t enjoy truly listening to others but delights in expressing his own opinion (Prov 18:2). He is a “babbling fool” (Prov 10:8) who gives answers and thoughts before genuinely listening, leading to his folly and shame (Prov 18:3). He is cast as one who is ever speaking but never listening. The fool is a child socially, and would fit in well with Gen Z.
Contrasting him, the wise man is content to listen. He lovingly draws out the deep waters of others’ souls (Prov 20:5). He is deemed knowledgeable because he actually restrains his words instead of over-talking (Prov 17:27–28). The wise man knows how to interact with others, with listening being a major part of those interactions.
Therefore, Christian, if wisdom is your desire, listen first. Pursue others, especially your brothers and sisters in the church, with intentional, thoughtful questions. Engage them purposefully, digging into their lives, knowing how they are doing. Do more than just check the box by asking “how are you” or asking a single question then stopping; rather, pursue them in such a way that shows you truly care. Ask follow up questions, contribute to topics that they are excited to talk about. Be more excited to listen than to speak yourself. Humility, selflessness, and love grow in the garden of listening.
Honeyed Words
Now listening, while the first step, is only half of the battle. Socializing, like passing a football back and forth, involves receiving and giving, listening and talking. So when we do talk, what are we to say? How can sweet, godly, honeyed words flow from our mouths?
While there are a variety of different avenues to trod down here, I would like to just focus on one: when we speak, when we are socializing broadly, we ought to be intentionally cultivating godly conversations. This is a duty of the Christian and, more pointedly, the presence or absence of godly conversations is very revealing. On one hand, it reveals what we love. We will talk about what we delight in most (Matt 12:34)—therefore your love for God ought to result in a greater desire to talk about God. On top of this, it also shapes our loves. The more we talk about the Lord, the more we will love him.
The Puritans knew this, and put great emphasis on having conversations that edified all who were involved. They would say that you could tell if a Christian was healthy by their conversations. If you took “a Christian in a good frame … how serious, heavenly, and profitable will his conversation and religious exercise be! [They would be found] improving every occasion and advantage to some heavenly purpose!”2 The maturity and health of a Christian could be seen simply by looking at their conversations. They would also rebuke Christians for not doing this. Thomas Watson said that “It is the fault of Christians that they do not in company provoke themselves to good discourse.”3 There is actually a fault, a failure, that has taken place when Christians gather without edifying talk, and that only those who are possessed by a “dumb devil… never have any good discourse.”4
We in the 21st century church have much to learn from the Puritans, and therefore ought to intentionally pursue conversations that point to Christ, edifying those around us, and are rooted in the word of God. When we speak, we ought to be pursuing this end. Moses commands this to the people of God (and therefore to you today)—that his law would be talked about when you sit, discussed when you walk by the way, pondered and debated when you lie down, and brought up intentionally when you rise (Deut 6:7). We ought to talk about the Lord as much as we can.
And, I would ask, what duty could give us more joy? What better thing is there to talk about than the triune God who is infinite and yet approachable, holy and yet the savior of us sinners? What is more exciting, engaging, or awe-inspiring than talking about him and his word? Being intentional in speaking about the things of the Lord is far from burdensome; rather, it is a joyful command. Therefore, when you speak, speak words that point you and your hearers to the truths of the word.
A Concluding Application
The basic call to action flowing from the above would be a simple, “go and do this next time you socialize” exhortation. I would propose, however, that is an overly simplistic route to go. Rather, the call to action must center not on the next social interaction, but on what to do beforehand. The battle is won through preparation, not frantic application in the midst of a conversation.
Therefore, pray beforehand. On your drive home or to church or whatever gathering you are going to, ask the Lord to help. Just as you would ask him to help you with other areas of sanctification, ask him to help you socially. Without the Lord, you can do nothing. But with him, you can and will bear much fruit when talking with others.
And when you pray, be intentional, not vague. We are commanded to “consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” when we meet together (Heb 10:24–25). We are commanded to consider, to think, to be intentionally thoughtful. Holy social interactions do not take place without hard work and effort beforehand to think through what you should say and talk about. Obeying this command, to consider how to stir up one another, necessitates intentionality and preparation.
So when you pray, first ask the Lord for wisdom on what you should ask your brother and sister. What has been going on in their life, what they have asked for prayer for, what they need to be held accountable about. Consider what questions you should prioritize asking. And then, secondly, pray over what you should share. Consider what would best edify the other, what burdens you want them to help you carry, what you have learned about the Lord recently that would stimulate godly conversation. Praying over these two things is the best way to prepare well.
These are basic things but sadly are taught less and less, to the shame of the church. However, in a dark nation where many have rejected God’s law, and a generation that has no idea how to operate in this world socially, the church has a wonderful opportunity to be bright shining lights through our social sanctification. By the work of the Holy Spirit, our ability to love those around us when we interact with them glorifies our heavenly Father and edifies the bride of his Son, all the while standing in stark contrast to those that do not know him. For him, and for his name’s sake, we ought to consider our lives and how we can increasingly grow in grace socially.
Discussion Questions
What is one area of improvement socially you can pray about after reading the above blog?
How does the Holy Spirit help us grow in social holiness?
What role does the church (fellowship, service, discipleship, etc) play in our growth in this area?
Think of a person in your life that is extremely enjoyable and edifying to talk to. What makes them that way in conversation? How can you model them?
John Flavel, Keeping the Heart: How to Maintain Your Love for God. (Ross-shire, Great Britain: Christian Focus Publication, 1999), 28.
Thomas Watson, Heaven Taken by Storm. (Morgan, PA: Soli Deo Gloria Publications, 1994), 38.
Thomas Watson, The Godly Man’s Picture. (Edinburgh, UK: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1992), 110.
